Over the past five or six months, I’m not really sure what I’ve been doing, but I feel better – usually.
This blog post may not have any theme or direction or even consistency. I’ve had too much time on my hands, not enough money to do fun stuff with it, and not enough friends in the same situation.
I finished a course to teach kids ESL a few weeks ago and I’ve been doing repetitive webcam interviews since trying to get a job teaching online, which is no fun at all. I don’t know if that’s a good idea for me (to work so isolated without interacting with others) or if I’ll have to find a new profession in a few months. The thought was to get back to doing something that helps others and gives me some fulfillment. I used to work with kids a lot from ages 18-22 but I got burnt out (by more than just the kids) and I thought the world had better things in store for me than watching shitty parents undo any progress I got with their kids. I was good at it though.
Going to the world of sports media sounded like a cool idea, but the closer I got to it and the more time I spent within it just showed me how little it really matters. I don’t mean to offend my friends who still do it, but it’s just not helping anyone. At best, you can make someone forget about their issues for a bit, but it’s not fixing or helping to fix anything. Anyways, I’m not here to rag on people’s professions. If it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, go for it – but it certainly didn’t make me happy and caused plenty of mental harm, so I got out.
But where to now?
I was supposed to spend the summer trying to figure out what I wanted to do next. I circled through being like a copywriter or an editor or something where I just use the skills from my last job to earn a paycheque. I thought “I did the dream chasing thing once, now it’s time for something more practical”.
Just typing that makes me cringe. I’m not a practical guy – at least, I try not to be. And shit, maybe that’s my biggest problem. If something makes too much sense for me to do it, but I don’t have an inner desire for it, I stay away. People have told me for almost a decade that I should be a teacher because I’m good with kids and that’s just been too simple for me.
It has to be me. It has to be something I decide. It has to be something that I want and I believe in. Even if there are obvious signs that would turn most people away, I truly don’t care if I believe in it. But my belief doesn’t come easy or calculated, it comes from some dumb feeling in my heart that says “fuck everything else”. I can rarely get in that mindset anymore, though it feels amazing when I do.
Maybe the look on kids’ faces will slip me back in there. I hope so anyway. I really hope I don’t suck at it.
I’m 27 years old and I feel like I’m only learning about who my real self is in the last six months. I don’t know how much I like who I’ve been trying to be. Now I’m just trying to figure out what parts are real and what parts were for show. It’s not east.
I warned you this would be all over the place. And I didn’t even say what I really wanted to.